The first boy I ever kissed

Where do you start? How do you explain anything when your heart is this open? There is no greater honor, no more profound experience of being alive than to witness another's heart in its entirety.

He is sitting next to me on this couch in the back of a dimly lit bar. Ice clinks in our glasses and the taste of vodka is pungent and of this moment. He is raw, vulnerable and sitting beside me with the most open heart.

I am engulfed in the loose fabric of his pants and sweatshirt I borrowed. It seems fitting to live this moment exemplifying the irrelevance of my appearance. Sometimes the absolute only thing that matters is to let go of the role you play each and everyday and be bare as a human being. To be enough in this way, with no ribbons or garnishes, but in the truest sense of yourself, this is what you need to witness another. All else falls away, so let it.

Three days ago when he told me what happened i felt hopeless. Three days ago i couldn't remember why we all do this. Why we allow ourselves to fall for another, why we allow our vulnerability to surface when loud voices somewhere deep and away scream not to. But now the thought resonates so deeply within my heart--how could we ever pass this up? I look at him and I realize how worth it all of this is. In this very moment, with his heart heavy and scrounging for hope, he is the best he's ever been. He's never been stronger or more alive because he is in it so entirely. He embraces the extreme heartache and sadness in a way that greets the fear which resides there and moves through it.

Someone can betray another but it doesn't have to be the end. There is so much opportunity in our worst moments, when you've failed at epic proportions I want to know if you can make the biggest mistake and stay with yourself. If you can love yourself even more because you realize how your vulnerability is the most beautiful thing about you.

Unresolved

Is there that person in your life with whom there is so much still unresolved? Perhaps it's been three years of moving on and moving apart and so much is but a distant memory. But what of that which was never said? Where do you put all the words that dance about your heart when it is most quiet and still in your life? Do you keep carrying them? It seems it's only when the words from your heart land upon the person for whom they're meant that suddenly they dissolve into weightlessness. But what about the words that will never greet the person who could hear them and know why they matter? You carry them always and you still think about him and whisper to him words that bounce about in empty space and come back to you. Because you're not done with them and you don't get to be. That's why the love lasts and every other person reminds you of that first one.

i'll still imagine that we're gettin' down right now

i started dating this new guy...and i really like him...

but it also has made me miss the last boy i cared for a little more so...

i have also been horny as FUCK for the past two days. all this making out with new guy and not going any further. sexual frustration. but it's also pretty hot.

so horny, in fact, that i considered going balls to the wall tonight. i wanted to text new guy and say "hey watcha doin tonight?" and if he said "oh nothing..." my next text would say something like "want to make out a shit ton?"

i really almost did that.

but then i evaluated my motives. and i realized that about 50% of me wanted this because i like this guy.

but the other 50% is hurting over previous guy, wants to get over him. AND is horny as fuck.

as soon as i knew the ratio of my motives i also knew it wasn't fair to new guy. my wanting to be with him needs to be about him and the fact that i like him and care about him in order for me to feel right about it in my heart. otherwise i'm just objectifying him.

but dear god I'm horny as fuck.

And your hair needs to be a mess

And then I flipped back to Facebook and there you were. I'd (of course) forgotten what you look like but that picture was so familiar. You are so familiar and so long ago.

And then I broke.

Sometimes you need to wear giant sweats and an even larger sweatshirt and your hair needs to be a mess and there is nothing to do but blast Bon iver and wander around the house gasping and sobbing and letting it hurt.

Then you make tea and notice all the ways you can care for yourself right now. So you do it. You make this space beautiful for yourself to enjoy. You wish him well.

Note how it sits on your heart. How his presence is absurdly lost but still so heavy.

tonight i am thinking about...

...well, i am thinking about sex.

i am thinking how afraid i am and how dating a new person means having to start ALL over again. means having to go through the 'o btdubs, i'm a vir-gin' conversation again. the silence and the unreadable expression on his face conversation. again.

and then the will he be patient with me questions. again.

...i am thinking about something i just read. this person used the phrase 'true heartbreak' versus a 'heart sprain'...and i am thinking how the guy i've been writing about on this blog is somewhere between a true heartbreak and a heart sprain. and i am thinking about the guy who was my one true heartbreak. how it's been three years since i've seen or spoken to him and how sometimes things happen and he's the person i want to tell. to laugh with.

...i am thinking about what it means to surrender. to let go.

i have high expectations of the way my body should look and i'm at a loss with the madness. i feel my heart breaking and saying: pleeeease. just feed this body enough. pleeeease, let me enjoy eating. let me know i deserve it. to eat. and my heart says also, i need for you to send me acceptance. i. can't. take. any. more. of. this. bashing. you pound me with every time you look in a mirror/glass/car window. i can't take the punishing words you speak when you notice the excess under my clothes. i am exhausted.

please let me be. as i am. now.

i am thinking how this is the safest place for me. the transfer of thoughts to page. and how unbelievably grateful i am for this mode of expression.

how a song can take you back to a moment

digital love, Daft Punk

it is early december and my heart is breaking, the relationship with the boy i've been falling for is crumbling, he has pulled away slowly for several weeks...
it's been a long, arduous day and i'm waiting in a parking lot downtown for one of my best friends...my crazy friend...she pulls up across the street and synonymously this song starts playing and it hits me somewhere deep...
my heart is so wrecked...I am in such surrender and i simply don't care...i am out of my car and i leave the door open to allow the music to blast from my speakers and i am dancing with wild abandon all around the parking lot. i am half aware of a car full of boys who are watching me across the way, but i don't give a fuck because this is the first time i've felt light in my heart all day...
my friend approaches and she knows what to do without question without words she joins me in this absurdity...
once the song ends one of the boys get out of the car and asks if we are professional dancers...


lights, Ellie Goulding

it is mid september and i am flying across country, headed east. leaving my life behind allows me to see it more clearly as i recall being in his arms a week ago...my naked breasts against his chest, the familiarity of his sheets, his tatted arms...i recall all of this while on a plane surrounded by people but i am alone and so far away in my thoughts of that night, this song is ringing in my ears through my headphones, it calls to my adrenaline, quickens the pace of my heart as i realize this IS how it is to be with him, this song is my experience in his sheets, and earlier that night how he drove us in my car to his house and we sang loudly together to whatever 90s grunge band was playing on my stereo.
that was the night i understood what he is to me--how he appears in my life for moments and adventures laced with abandon and freedom. how he is the first man i ever kissed and how he never meant security to me...
i am on this plane surrounded by so many people, by this song, and i am somewhere else entirely in my thoughts.


ego, Beyonce

it is mid august. i am flying down the freeway with the blur of redwoods in my peripheral. the sunroof is open letting in the sunshine and all the windows are down inviting a frenzy of wind that sweeps my wet curls every which way.
i've got that feeling when you are owning it--who you are as a woman, and as a spirit. when you feel free and passionate because you've allowed yourself to surrender to sensuality. i feel sexy and vibrantly alive.
one of my best friends is beside me and we are rocking it to this song. hamming it particularly to the dialogue at the beginning.
it is summer. my legs are bare, my hair is free and the night is before us. everything is good and free and light.

ten hours spent on a saturday

this morning i couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. ten hours later i am inspired, alive, in Love with who i am. tears drip down my face because i feel it from my soul.