...well, i am thinking about sex.
i am thinking how afraid i am and how dating a new person means having to start ALL over again. means having to go through the 'o btdubs, i'm a vir-gin' conversation again. the silence and the unreadable expression on his face conversation. again.
and then the will he be patient with me questions. again.
...i am thinking about something i just read. this person used the phrase 'true heartbreak' versus a 'heart sprain'...and i am thinking how the guy i've been writing about on this blog is somewhere between a true heartbreak and a heart sprain. and i am thinking about the guy who was my one true heartbreak. how it's been three years since i've seen or spoken to him and how sometimes things happen and he's the person i want to tell. to laugh with.
...i am thinking about what it means to surrender. to let go.
i have high expectations of the way my body should look and i'm at a loss with the madness. i feel my heart breaking and saying: pleeeease. just feed this body enough. pleeeease, let me enjoy eating. let me know i deserve it. to eat. and my heart says also, i need for you to send me acceptance. i. can't. take. any. more. of. this. bashing. you pound me with every time you look in a mirror/glass/car window. i can't take the punishing words you speak when you notice the excess under my clothes. i am exhausted.
please let me be. as i am. now.
i am thinking how this is the safest place for me. the transfer of thoughts to page. and how unbelievably grateful i am for this mode of expression.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
how a song can take you back to a moment
digital love, Daft Punk
it is early december and my heart is breaking, the relationship with the boy i've been falling for is crumbling, he has pulled away slowly for several weeks...
it's been a long, arduous day and i'm waiting in a parking lot downtown for one of my best friends...my crazy friend...she pulls up across the street and synonymously this song starts playing and it hits me somewhere deep...
my heart is so wrecked...I am in such surrender and i simply don't care...i am out of my car and i leave the door open to allow the music to blast from my speakers and i am dancing with wild abandon all around the parking lot. i am half aware of a car full of boys who are watching me across the way, but i don't give a fuck because this is the first time i've felt light in my heart all day...
my friend approaches and she knows what to do without question without words she joins me in this absurdity...
once the song ends one of the boys get out of the car and asks if we are professional dancers...
lights, Ellie Goulding
it is mid september and i am flying across country, headed east. leaving my life behind allows me to see it more clearly as i recall being in his arms a week ago...my naked breasts against his chest, the familiarity of his sheets, his tatted arms...i recall all of this while on a plane surrounded by people but i am alone and so far away in my thoughts of that night, this song is ringing in my ears through my headphones, it calls to my adrenaline, quickens the pace of my heart as i realize this IS how it is to be with him, this song is my experience in his sheets, and earlier that night how he drove us in my car to his house and we sang loudly together to whatever 90s grunge band was playing on my stereo.
that was the night i understood what he is to me--how he appears in my life for moments and adventures laced with abandon and freedom. how he is the first man i ever kissed and how he never meant security to me...
i am on this plane surrounded by so many people, by this song, and i am somewhere else entirely in my thoughts.
ego, Beyonce
it is mid august. i am flying down the freeway with the blur of redwoods in my peripheral. the sunroof is open letting in the sunshine and all the windows are down inviting a frenzy of wind that sweeps my wet curls every which way.
i've got that feeling when you are owning it--who you are as a woman, and as a spirit. when you feel free and passionate because you've allowed yourself to surrender to sensuality. i feel sexy and vibrantly alive.
one of my best friends is beside me and we are rocking it to this song. hamming it particularly to the dialogue at the beginning.
it is summer. my legs are bare, my hair is free and the night is before us. everything is good and free and light.
it is early december and my heart is breaking, the relationship with the boy i've been falling for is crumbling, he has pulled away slowly for several weeks...
it's been a long, arduous day and i'm waiting in a parking lot downtown for one of my best friends...my crazy friend...she pulls up across the street and synonymously this song starts playing and it hits me somewhere deep...
my heart is so wrecked...I am in such surrender and i simply don't care...i am out of my car and i leave the door open to allow the music to blast from my speakers and i am dancing with wild abandon all around the parking lot. i am half aware of a car full of boys who are watching me across the way, but i don't give a fuck because this is the first time i've felt light in my heart all day...
my friend approaches and she knows what to do without question without words she joins me in this absurdity...
once the song ends one of the boys get out of the car and asks if we are professional dancers...
lights, Ellie Goulding
it is mid september and i am flying across country, headed east. leaving my life behind allows me to see it more clearly as i recall being in his arms a week ago...my naked breasts against his chest, the familiarity of his sheets, his tatted arms...i recall all of this while on a plane surrounded by people but i am alone and so far away in my thoughts of that night, this song is ringing in my ears through my headphones, it calls to my adrenaline, quickens the pace of my heart as i realize this IS how it is to be with him, this song is my experience in his sheets, and earlier that night how he drove us in my car to his house and we sang loudly together to whatever 90s grunge band was playing on my stereo.
that was the night i understood what he is to me--how he appears in my life for moments and adventures laced with abandon and freedom. how he is the first man i ever kissed and how he never meant security to me...
i am on this plane surrounded by so many people, by this song, and i am somewhere else entirely in my thoughts.
ego, Beyonce
it is mid august. i am flying down the freeway with the blur of redwoods in my peripheral. the sunroof is open letting in the sunshine and all the windows are down inviting a frenzy of wind that sweeps my wet curls every which way.
i've got that feeling when you are owning it--who you are as a woman, and as a spirit. when you feel free and passionate because you've allowed yourself to surrender to sensuality. i feel sexy and vibrantly alive.
one of my best friends is beside me and we are rocking it to this song. hamming it particularly to the dialogue at the beginning.
it is summer. my legs are bare, my hair is free and the night is before us. everything is good and free and light.
ten hours spent on a saturday
this morning i couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. ten hours later i am inspired, alive, in Love with who i am. tears drip down my face because i feel it from my soul.
naked
we are seated in the corner of a noisy bar in Oakland. both of us are several drinks in, just enough to feel unnerved. the bar is brimming over and you ask--"was that the first time you've given head?"..."yes," I reply in complete surrender. there it is...
we get to the concert and somehow end up separated. in a drunken stupor I make my way to the ladies'. in the process of skirting through the crowd I am melting down and the tears start to collect. i see nothing but blurred faces as I push past strangers and through the swinging door to find both stalls occupied. with the uninhibition that comes along with alcohol I begin to wail while standing in the open area at the sinks. a stall door opens and i make my way inside dodging the question- "are you okay...?" i shut the door on everything and close in on myself. suddenly I am utterly ragged and vulnerable. I sob in this bathroom and drop to a seated fetal position on the presumably nasty tile floor. I didn't intend for you to have so much of my vulnerability, and in turn, my heart. I am so debilitated in this moment by how exposed I feel toward you.
I've been naked with you and I am naked in front of you.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I am ready. I am content.
Be curious about all of this. It is part of your life, part of the process. It is all beautiful, especially when met with open arms. This aching and this longing, this smallness and this sadness, this is all part of the experience of living and of Loving. You will let go a thousand times..."imitate the trees"...
imitate a child who knows of her own goodness and worthiness until the world shows her otherwise. Notice the ways you are of this world and let it float into your consciousness and away, away...it is only weighted if you try to carry it. So don't. Recall the truth you know but forget so often.
What do you need? ....paint yourself with Love even when it appears lost. You are an entire universe to witness all on your own.
imitate a child who knows of her own goodness and worthiness until the world shows her otherwise. Notice the ways you are of this world and let it float into your consciousness and away, away...it is only weighted if you try to carry it. So don't. Recall the truth you know but forget so often.
What do you need? ....paint yourself with Love even when it appears lost. You are an entire universe to witness all on your own.
protection is a seal that locks in so much quiet suffering
Driving through trees illuminated by sunlight and quaint little houses tucked quietly and spaciously into one another, you arrive at a family house where people stay and find stability. You find yourself in a back room with art covering the walls. These sketches beckon to the ache and confusion that can and does reside in this idyllic, back country world in which family protects you and holds each other accountable to the righteous life. It is oppressive but also safe and innocent searching the eyes of the people in this world, which are revealingly told in the painting and sketches on the wall.
Your friend is getting married and she is trying on her wedding dress. The one that you helped her pick out 9 long months ago. It is exactly as you remember it against her delicate frame, features, and soft blonde hair that hangs along the beading down the back. She is the Virgin Mary on the night Gabriel came to her. So trusting and protected by the course she takes because it keeps her pulled in to this secluded world in which people stay together--marriages last. This protection is like a seal that locks in so much quiet suffering. It is a hard path to take. All of this is mixed in my heart as I cherish her image of grace in the mirror. She will walk toward one man in just two short months and they will hold each other as long as life allows them to. They will experience first times together and their bodies will know each other for the first time and it will remain this private, chosen eros for as long as they live.
I love her as my sister but I will not stay here. As I walk out the front door and down the path I turn to smile at her and know she will close the outside and go to him where he waits in a quiet, solitary room in the tucked away house.
Driving back through the trees leaves me profoundly aware that I am moving in a direction that is oppositional to the life represented by the purity of her image created in white lace and beading that is now reflected in my mind. I've already made the choice, I've already breached my own purity on a drunken night from which no consistency remains. I've already chosen not to keep my dress so white as hers. I continue to move in the direction of unsolicited sensuality that lasts a moment, not a lifetime. I have already made this choice and she will stay there and I will keep moving toward my ownness. I will make choices by questioning what drives my decisions. I will constantly work towards faith and recognize fear but then let it fall back where the trees will hide it in those back country roads. I am choosing uncertainty and men who strive for authenticity rather than to be good. I am choosing to realize there may not be just one man and he won't be what I've pictured or held out for. Because if I were to keep waiting for that man I still would be--my life would be stagnant.
Ultimately I am choosing freedom, ambiguity, I am allowing my life to be messy because that is what my heart needs to be. This is what I've always needed--room, spaciousness to allow my heart and body to "love what it loves (Mary Oliver)."
Your friend is getting married and she is trying on her wedding dress. The one that you helped her pick out 9 long months ago. It is exactly as you remember it against her delicate frame, features, and soft blonde hair that hangs along the beading down the back. She is the Virgin Mary on the night Gabriel came to her. So trusting and protected by the course she takes because it keeps her pulled in to this secluded world in which people stay together--marriages last. This protection is like a seal that locks in so much quiet suffering. It is a hard path to take. All of this is mixed in my heart as I cherish her image of grace in the mirror. She will walk toward one man in just two short months and they will hold each other as long as life allows them to. They will experience first times together and their bodies will know each other for the first time and it will remain this private, chosen eros for as long as they live.
I love her as my sister but I will not stay here. As I walk out the front door and down the path I turn to smile at her and know she will close the outside and go to him where he waits in a quiet, solitary room in the tucked away house.
Driving back through the trees leaves me profoundly aware that I am moving in a direction that is oppositional to the life represented by the purity of her image created in white lace and beading that is now reflected in my mind. I've already made the choice, I've already breached my own purity on a drunken night from which no consistency remains. I've already chosen not to keep my dress so white as hers. I continue to move in the direction of unsolicited sensuality that lasts a moment, not a lifetime. I have already made this choice and she will stay there and I will keep moving toward my ownness. I will make choices by questioning what drives my decisions. I will constantly work towards faith and recognize fear but then let it fall back where the trees will hide it in those back country roads. I am choosing uncertainty and men who strive for authenticity rather than to be good. I am choosing to realize there may not be just one man and he won't be what I've pictured or held out for. Because if I were to keep waiting for that man I still would be--my life would be stagnant.
Ultimately I am choosing freedom, ambiguity, I am allowing my life to be messy because that is what my heart needs to be. This is what I've always needed--room, spaciousness to allow my heart and body to "love what it loves (Mary Oliver)."
Just be scared
Surrender to Love
Let your tears fall
And leave your face streaked
And your eyes red
Listen to how quickly your heart beats
With loving curiosity
Notice the tangles in your stomach
Feel their confusion and fear
Be with the insecurity
That empty space amongst the tangles
Let that craving to be touched
Wash over you like a hot bath
And embrace your aching heart
Surrender to Love, little girl.
Just be scared.
Let your tears fall
And leave your face streaked
And your eyes red
Listen to how quickly your heart beats
With loving curiosity
Notice the tangles in your stomach
Feel their confusion and fear
Be with the insecurity
That empty space amongst the tangles
Let that craving to be touched
Wash over you like a hot bath
And embrace your aching heart
Surrender to Love, little girl.
Just be scared.
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