The first boy I ever kissed

Where do you start? How do you explain anything when your heart is this open? There is no greater honor, no more profound experience of being alive than to witness another's heart in its entirety.

He is sitting next to me on this couch in the back of a dimly lit bar. Ice clinks in our glasses and the taste of vodka is pungent and of this moment. He is raw, vulnerable and sitting beside me with the most open heart.

I am engulfed in the loose fabric of his pants and sweatshirt I borrowed. It seems fitting to live this moment exemplifying the irrelevance of my appearance. Sometimes the absolute only thing that matters is to let go of the role you play each and everyday and be bare as a human being. To be enough in this way, with no ribbons or garnishes, but in the truest sense of yourself, this is what you need to witness another. All else falls away, so let it.

Three days ago when he told me what happened i felt hopeless. Three days ago i couldn't remember why we all do this. Why we allow ourselves to fall for another, why we allow our vulnerability to surface when loud voices somewhere deep and away scream not to. But now the thought resonates so deeply within my heart--how could we ever pass this up? I look at him and I realize how worth it all of this is. In this very moment, with his heart heavy and scrounging for hope, he is the best he's ever been. He's never been stronger or more alive because he is in it so entirely. He embraces the extreme heartache and sadness in a way that greets the fear which resides there and moves through it.

Someone can betray another but it doesn't have to be the end. There is so much opportunity in our worst moments, when you've failed at epic proportions I want to know if you can make the biggest mistake and stay with yourself. If you can love yourself even more because you realize how your vulnerability is the most beautiful thing about you.

Unresolved

Is there that person in your life with whom there is so much still unresolved? Perhaps it's been three years of moving on and moving apart and so much is but a distant memory. But what of that which was never said? Where do you put all the words that dance about your heart when it is most quiet and still in your life? Do you keep carrying them? It seems it's only when the words from your heart land upon the person for whom they're meant that suddenly they dissolve into weightlessness. But what about the words that will never greet the person who could hear them and know why they matter? You carry them always and you still think about him and whisper to him words that bounce about in empty space and come back to you. Because you're not done with them and you don't get to be. That's why the love lasts and every other person reminds you of that first one.

i'll still imagine that we're gettin' down right now

i started dating this new guy...and i really like him...

but it also has made me miss the last boy i cared for a little more so...

i have also been horny as FUCK for the past two days. all this making out with new guy and not going any further. sexual frustration. but it's also pretty hot.

so horny, in fact, that i considered going balls to the wall tonight. i wanted to text new guy and say "hey watcha doin tonight?" and if he said "oh nothing..." my next text would say something like "want to make out a shit ton?"

i really almost did that.

but then i evaluated my motives. and i realized that about 50% of me wanted this because i like this guy.

but the other 50% is hurting over previous guy, wants to get over him. AND is horny as fuck.

as soon as i knew the ratio of my motives i also knew it wasn't fair to new guy. my wanting to be with him needs to be about him and the fact that i like him and care about him in order for me to feel right about it in my heart. otherwise i'm just objectifying him.

but dear god I'm horny as fuck.

And your hair needs to be a mess

And then I flipped back to Facebook and there you were. I'd (of course) forgotten what you look like but that picture was so familiar. You are so familiar and so long ago.

And then I broke.

Sometimes you need to wear giant sweats and an even larger sweatshirt and your hair needs to be a mess and there is nothing to do but blast Bon iver and wander around the house gasping and sobbing and letting it hurt.

Then you make tea and notice all the ways you can care for yourself right now. So you do it. You make this space beautiful for yourself to enjoy. You wish him well.

Note how it sits on your heart. How his presence is absurdly lost but still so heavy.