relinquish

It was the kind of day when everything was dramatic up the One. Flowers lined the highway in the most poppy yellow, waves crashed with vigor and anticipation of change on the brink. The wind blew passionately south and shed a chill on my skin, which competed with the warmth and vibrance of the sun.

This stop was an excuse to pee, but it also happened to be the beach I took him to the day he arrived. As I descended onto the beach the pace of my heart quickened and without a thought my feet burst into a run toward the water. I had to get distance from the few people walking along the sand as the tears streamed and sobs soon followed. I ran to exhaust myself, to release everything, ultimately to let go of him. As I slowed to a stop I could picture he and I traipsing south along the water that day two months ago. I saw us walking side by side down the beach away from me. I was surprised to note that the image I saw of my body was one of strength--a body that had a presence to it.

I felt myself now with my feet burrowing into the sand, the solidity of my legs and so many sore muscles from being put to good use. The wind flapped my thick, brown shawl wildly about my body, wrapping me up in its warmth and then letting me go. 

I watched myself walk with him and thought of how it had seemed at that moment compared to what it was now with everything that had happened since. I let the image shrink further and further down the beach and I let us go.