...well, i am thinking about sex.
i am thinking how afraid i am and how dating a new person means having to start ALL over again. means having to go through the 'o btdubs, i'm a vir-gin' conversation again. the silence and the unreadable expression on his face conversation. again.
and then the will he be patient with me questions. again.
...i am thinking about something i just read. this person used the phrase 'true heartbreak' versus a 'heart sprain'...and i am thinking how the guy i've been writing about on this blog is somewhere between a true heartbreak and a heart sprain. and i am thinking about the guy who was my one true heartbreak. how it's been three years since i've seen or spoken to him and how sometimes things happen and he's the person i want to tell. to laugh with.
...i am thinking about what it means to surrender. to let go.
i have high expectations of the way my body should look and i'm at a loss with the madness. i feel my heart breaking and saying: pleeeease. just feed this body enough. pleeeease, let me enjoy eating. let me know i deserve it. to eat. and my heart says also, i need for you to send me acceptance. i. can't. take. any. more. of. this. bashing. you pound me with every time you look in a mirror/glass/car window. i can't take the punishing words you speak when you notice the excess under my clothes. i am exhausted.
please let me be. as i am. now.
i am thinking how this is the safest place for me. the transfer of thoughts to page. and how unbelievably grateful i am for this mode of expression.
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